#1 Momentum
It’s the constant momentum that I love, the rhythm of a busy household, a jam packed calendar, moving from one event to the next, the sense of accomplishment on a Sunday when the family’s weekly calendar is scrubbed clean ready to map out the comings and goings of a busy family of four.
Four? We are a family of four but truth be told, the jam packed, hectic schedules are for my three, but not me.
Don’t get me wrong my schedule has things, I exercise, I see my friends, I volunteer at the kids schools but there is nothing of me there.
I am the facilitator, the coach, the five-star Uber driver, the bank manager, the quick responder to the urgent “Mum, I’ve left my computer at home, can you drop it at school please?” texts that are happening a bit too frequently.
It’s the part of my life that I love so much but it’s the cliched “I don’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore”.
I am about to turn 44. Not a special birthday, a nice round number. Am I where I thought I’d be at this age? Yes and well… no.
Yes, I have a beautiful husband and two kids. I had a wonderful career that I am trying to reignite. Travelled to wonderful places, have amazing friends. But there is that part missing, the part that makes me, me.
I’ve spoken to a number of women at this same stage. We’re not quite empty nesters, were not DINKS, some have jobs and are overwhelmed, some don’t work and are too overwhelmed. It feels like this slide into middle age just suddenly appears one day with a polite knock at the door, which your too busy to answer, so growing impatient kicks the door in and attacks every fibre of your being.
I am not complaining, I am not whinging. I am observing the change in my life compared to that of my slightly older husband who seems to get even more intelligent, self-assured and handsome with each passing year.
The momentum keeps me sane, it gives me purpose. On a good day I can trick myself into feeling the sense of accomplishment that I used to feel in my career. I answer the kids questions about my day, their interest is sweet and appreciated. My husband compliments on a job well done, but my brain often whirs with thoughts like does he ever miss the old me? I really do.
When my oldest was born I was told the days a long but the years are short. Truer words have never been spoken. I am the mum of a teen and tween both hurtling towards independence and leading their own lives. So where does that leave me?
Not sure, so I am on a journey of exploration. A forty-something Mum learning what her new life path is. Equal parts exhilarating and terrifying.
I’ll write about it here. The world is small and often lonely, especially when you’re inside your own head too much. Maybe, just, maybe if the algorithm is right it will reach similar thinking people.
Follow along, let’s see where we end up.